Carlos Danger Tweeted Around The World

Another exclusive from my crack team of investigative snoops. The famous Carlos Danger, The Sicko Weiner, as we call him, not only tweeted under that pseudonym, but set up various pseudonyms to tweet around the world.

Here are some of the various names that The Sicko Weiner used to tweet around the World:

When tweeting in Italian, he called himself, Francesco Cosa Nostra;


When tweeting in Arabic, he was, Osama Al Quada;


When tweeting to his Montreal following, he was, Jean-Claude Hell's Angel;


When he tweeted in French, the world knew him as Pierre Dangereux;



When he tweeted in Australia, his pseudonym was Jack Rattlesnake;


In Hong Kong, he calls himself Anthony Jackie-Chan;



When you're in Poland, the annoying guy hogging the tweet channels is named Copernicus Kielbasa;


                 
In Israel, they know him as Shlomo Shlang.



  And in Toronto, we just say, yes, Mr. Mayor.


That's what my guys have learned so far. But, let me assure you, this is just the "tip" of the oops, never mind.

Marketing Company Announces New Line of Canadian Baby Memorabilia For the Royal Baby Birth

This is so exciting. My crack team of marketing experts discovered that while there are many British companies successfully marketing The Royal Baby Birth Commemorative Products, there are NO Canadian companies yet to launch product for the Canadian Royal Family Watchers. So, we have decided to be the first. (note: the value of the market in the U.K. is estimated to be $400 million).

Every good product on the market needs a brand logo. Ralph Lauren has the horse, Izod has an alligator (or is it a crocodile?), Nike has a swoosh, Adidas has 3 stripes, and so on. My team decided on Dudley Do Right(c) .

Who better than Dudley to represent my Canadian brand?, Dudley, as described by Wikipedia "is a dim-witted, but conscientious and cheerful Canadian Mountie". Great choice for our brand if I do say so myself.

Now that we selected a logo, we need to ascertain the rights to the symbol. Even as we speak, my crack legal team is in  progress to begin talks with the Dudley Do Right people. (note to reader: that is marketing talk for nothing has happened yet. Start watching Mad Men and you too will know this stuff).

While this in progress (hah hah), my product team is assembling a range of Canadian Flavoured products to offer to the consumers.

Let's have a look.

First, no Royal Baby can be said to represent Canada who doesn't own a Hockey Stick. Here's ours:

O.K. I'll bet your now as excited as I am about the brand. Here's our second novelty product, the Edible, Maple Flavoured Silver Spoon:

I know. The silver spoon looks tarnished. It's not tarnish, it's maple!

Are you as excited about our new line of products as we are yet? O.K. so how about product #3, Royal Canadian Bacon (maple flavoured of course):

And, what could be more Royal and Canadian than Beer So, we present to you our commemorative Dudley Do Right "Guiness-like" Canadian Beer.

Did I mention that the beer is flavoured with maple?

And, not to exclude babies, we have the Royal Maple Flavoured Baby Food products, tomatoes, peas and carrots all with a delicious maple twist.

And, finally, what every Royal Follower wants, their own Royal Baby replica pet beaver.

Epilogue

After learning about the brilliant Dudley Do Right Royal Birth product line, the Royal Family invested gazillions into the concept, and in order to help with sales, announced to the world, that if the Royal Baby is a boy, they planned on naming it Snidley Whiplash, and if a girl, Nell Fenwick, naturally.

The Optimal Glass To Break At A Jewish Wedding Ceremony

As part of getting ready for the Wedding, and I do mean capital W, the Rose and I were given the task of finding the wine glass to break.

Chabad, the ultimate Jewish authority on the web (note: they must have a great I.T. group), says use a flash bulb. O.K., so the I.T. group is great at web pages, but don't get out much (see The Big Bang Theory for example).

A what? A flash bulb? There are no more flash bulbs to be found in modern civilization without a hefty ebay price tag.

So, The Rose and I decided we would go to the dollar store and see what we could find.

We found 3 options, pictured below...

The potential candidates for the ceremony are the flute glass, the traditional wine glass and the shot glass.

My job was to step on each one and make the decision.

Here's the test, carried out using the strictest of scientific means, as you will see...

By the way, the reason that I am so snappily dressed in black socks, dress shoes and shorts is that it's like a million degrees outside today. Too hot for long pants.

Back to the findings.

First, the shot glass is eliminated as I was incapable of breaking it. 

That leaves the wine glass and the flute. From a sound perspective, I didn't really hear a difference, and on instant replay, same conclusion. However, the flute was significantly easier to break, and it made a lovely shattered glass sound.

I vote for the flute.

Anyone out there have a different vote, or another suggestion?

You Gotta Believe..The Amazing Blue Jays of 2013..Maybe Not?

The Jays have now won 8 in a row, with a lineup that should have been playing 600 ball since the start of the season. So, with 91 games to play, are they a playoff contender? Highly unlikely. Let me explain.
You all know that I love statistics. (Remember I predicted the last provincial election, only missing 2 ridings, better than any news pundit did, by simply using previous history and current trend percentages, see blog posting October 4, 2011). So, let's look at the most number of losses that a team has had over the past 10 years, and still made the playoffs. Here are the stats....

As you can see, in the American League, over the past 10 years, the average number of losses allowed to still make the playoffs is 67. And, it's even tougher in the AL East with an average of 65.5. So, let's give the Blue Jays the benefit of a bad year overall and let's see what it takes for them to make the playoffs with 65,66, or 67, but also, with 68,69,70 or 71 losses.

Is anyone depressed yet? The best team in the majors right now is the St. Louis Cardinals with a winning percentage of 0.644. However, the next best team is the Boston Red Sox with 0.587.
So, if the Blue Jays play as well as the Boston Red Sox, they don't make the playoffs, and, if they play the rest of the season as well as the Cardinals are playing now, they will still finish with either 68 or 69 losses which has barely been enough to make the playoffs in the AL East.

What the Blue Jays need to do is play the way the Amazing Mets of 1969 played. That team began the season with an 18-23 record through their first 41 games, but, went on to win 82 of their remaining games for a win/loss percentage of 0.678.

Possible, yes, probable, NO.

But then again, maybe this is next year!

Breaking News: Exclusive Inside Look at Homeland Security Verizon Information Analysis Team Hard At Work

Trust it to my crack team of investigative snoopers to bring you, my readers, the first look at the agents of the Homeland Security Group who are busy checking up on us. Regretfully, or should I say embarrassingly most of the information they found concerned Big Brother checking into my life.
Nevertheless, here it is for your reading and viewing pleasure:

The Actual Offices of the Homeland Security Verizon Monitoring Group

As you can see, not the best of accommodations 

That is perhaps why they are getting this reaction when they ask government employees to transfer to this division.

 Now, here are the first ever exclusive photos of the Verizon Analysis Group hard at work:

Here they are reviewing my phone calls

And reading my emails

On the bright side, here is someone checking out my itunes library

And, here's an agent reviewing my bank account after two weddings in 19 months

I feel the same way

Will this invasion of my privacy never end, here's an agent reading my ebooks

Definitely he chose the right environment to read my ebooks, that's where I read them.

Now, here they are looking at my surfing history and noticing that I move from Federal scandals to Provincial scandals to Local political scandals

And they even had a camera at my Tuesday night dance class and watched me repeating intermediate dance for the 7th year in a row

But, the most upsetting part of my findings were the photos of the agent who, after beginning to read my blog, threatened to end it all if he didn't get a transfer.

 Is it my fault that I'm not funnier?

The Case of the Missing Video

The below abstract for my latest novel is purely fiction and any reference to characters or incidents that may have actually occurred are purely coincidental.
In the latest episode of my on going detective series starring the Man Who Stopped THE GRAVY TRAIN (editors note: we are trying to get Jack Nicholson to play The GRAVY TRAIN in the movie version), we find our hero confronted by a turncoat in his midst. It turns out that one of his inner circle, let's call him Somalibeckistany Drug Dealer # 1, has videoed our hero smoking crack cocaine, which, of course, he only uses to replenish his battery so that he can fight his never ending battle for truth, justice, and of course, against THE GRAVY TRAIN. In a misguided decision to get rich quick, Somalibeckistany Drug Dealer #1 shows the video tape to two different yellow journalist rags, The Gotham City Gazette(c) and The Daily Planet(c), but tells both of them that they cannot have a copy of the video without paying M$200,000 Monopoly Dollars.
When The Daily Planet(c) ignores the normal newspaper philosophy of needing two sources before going to print, and puts out the story, The Gotham City Gazette's(c) legal team decides that The Daily Planet(c) is their second source and therefore, can also go to press.
Our hero is flabbergasted that his enemies would go to such depths to derail his never ending battle for truth, justice, and of course, against THE GRAVY TRAIN and issues a statement to the world that the charge is 'ridiculous'.
Now, here's where the story gets devious, and, the video disappears. Since there were only 3 people in the room when our hero went for his crack cocaine re-charge, he knew that the traitor was either Somalibeckistany Drug Dealer #1 or Somalibeckistany Drug Dealer #2. He spent a week finding out which one was the traitor to the cause of fighting the never ending battle for truth, justice, and of course, against THE GRAVY TRAIN, and informed the traitor that if he didn't destroy the video, things would get ugly. Rumour has it that our hero threatened to sit on the traitor, or worse, tie him to a chair and force him to listen while our hero espoused his prejudicial views about everyone who wasn't him.
Everything turned out well when the traitor destroyed the video and our hero held a press conference denying that he used crack cocaine and confidently saying to the yellow journalist to produce the video (ha, ha, that won't happen) or shut up.
All's well that ends well.

What? Myles Isn't Allowed at the Wedding?

Another big family event is happening soon. Our older son is getting married. However, I was shocked to learn that Myles, the younger brother, and a frequent subject of my friend Leslie's blog, for instance, visit Myles Again , is not invited to the wedding. Yikes, and here he is trying on his tuxedo.

Is this fair? Shouldn't the younger brother be a participant at the wedding? Well, according to the Ontario Ministry of Health, Myles falls under the category of "live bird or animal"??? How can that be so?
Maybe Minister Mathews needs to see Myles in his tuxedo, from the side.

Still not convinced he should be allowed at the wedding. O.K., what if Myles looks at the camera this time?

What a face, what a body, what a wiener dog!!! Yikes, did I say dog, oops. Maybe we should hold the wedding in France, where dogs are invited to any restaurants they care to frequent.

Is it too late to change the venue?