Saturday, April 19, 2014

Top 10 Things Rob Ford and the Maple Leafs Have in Common

10. Both are popularly supported but still losers.

9. Both do their jobs while in a drunken stupor.

8. Both have the ability to suck all of the oxygen out of any conversation concerning their topic (politics/sports).

7. Both are less fit than their opponents.

6. Both are too inept to put the puck in the net.

5. Both have plenty to eat at home.

4. Both have a nation behind them. (Ford Nation and Leaf Nation)

3. Both have lots of money backing them.

2. Both spend a lot of time in the penalty box with no real consequences.

1. Both could win next year!

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Top 10 Jimmy's that CBS is Considering to Replace Letterman

Once again, my crack team of investigative reporters have found a way to be a fly on the wall of the CBS boardroom where discussions are hot and heavy about who their Jimmy is going to be for late night television.
Regretfully, some of the executives at CBS are a bit "elderly", and so, some of their finalists are no longer among the living.
We're just reporting them as we hear them, and here they are:

10. Jimmy Carter

The former president of the U.S. is a top 10 contender for the job. His positives are name recognition, and his family is even bigger than Kimmel's, so, there's lot of opportunity to bring in inexpensive help. On the negative, most people are convinced that he is not playing with a full crop of peanuts.

9. Jimmy the Greek

The Greek is another strong contender for the job. He's done well on television before. However, CBS is concerned that given the impromptu, spontaneous nature of late night TV, this bigot might not last more than a few weeks before insulting almost everyone.

8. Jimmy Hoffa

Mr. Hoffa is an interesting candidate. His people have guaranteed CBS with at least an 11.4% share of the market, which coincidentally is the percentage of the population that is unionized.  The big negative with Jimmy is that CBS will have to build a studio around the goal post in the Meadowlands, where Jimmy Hoffa currently resides.

7. Jimmy Durante

This Jimmy is another excellent contender. He's got a large in with the entertainment community, and he sings, he dances, and he comes with his own version of Paul Shaeffer, Mrs. Calibash.

6. Jimmy Buffett

Another excellent prospect. This Jimmy also has an excellent relationship with the entertainment community, and as an added attraction, his band will be the best reggae group this side of the island of Jamaica.

5. Jimmy Ruffin

My choice. Why, because his brother David has "got sunshine on a cloudy day. When it's cold outside, he's got the month of May. I guess you'd say what could make him feel this way, His Girl, talking 'bout His Girl." And besides Jimmy knows what's become of a broken hearted.

4. Jimmy Page

Like Mr. Ruffin, he comes with excellent musical credentials. And, it's been rumored that he intends to lead the show from the band stand, with The Original Voice, Robert Plant doing the vocals behind the Late Show desk.

3. Jimmy Dorsey

Not since the Doc Severinson orchastra that backed up Johnny Carson has there been a wind instrument player and a big band leader on a late night talk show. Jimmy is the man that can change all that. Along with his brother Tommy, they have promised to have Elvis on the program at least monthly. Elvis first appeared on national television on CBS on the Tommy and Jimmy Dorsey variety show. So, he owes them.

2. Jimmy Piersall

This is my favourite Jimmy and I've loved him ever since I read "Fear Strikes Out" in my teens. Even if he doesn't make it as the host, get the book and read it. It's great for a 1957 look at mental health.

1. Jimmy Stewart

Because, "it's a wonderful life"

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Rob Ford's Words in the Mouth of a Child

For those of you who are still thinking of voting for Rob Ford (oh, come on, you know who you are), here's another attempt to remind you of what your vote would say to the youth of Toronto. Enjoy!

Our children are listening!