Monday, June 24, 2013

The Optimal Glass To Break At A Jewish Wedding Ceremony

As part of getting ready for the Wedding, and I do mean capital W, the Rose and I were given the task of finding the wine glass to break.

Chabad, the ultimate Jewish authority on the web (note: they must have a great I.T. group), says use a flash bulb. O.K., so the I.T. group is great at web pages, but don't get out much (see The Big Bang Theory for example).

A what? A flash bulb? There are no more flash bulbs to be found in modern civilization without a hefty ebay price tag.

So, The Rose and I decided we would go to the dollar store and see what we could find.

We found 3 options, pictured below...

The potential candidates for the ceremony are the flute glass, the traditional wine glass and the shot glass.

My job was to step on each one and make the decision.

Here's the test, carried out using the strictest of scientific means, as you will see...

By the way, the reason that I am so snappily dressed in black socks, dress shoes and shorts is that it's like a million degrees outside today. Too hot for long pants.

Back to the findings.

First, the shot glass is eliminated as I was incapable of breaking it. 
That leaves the wine glass and the flute. From a sound perspective, I didn't really hear a difference, and on instant replay, same conclusion. However, the flute was significantly easier to break, and it made a lovely shattered glass sound.

I vote for the flute.

Anyone out there have a different vote, or another suggestion?

Friday, June 21, 2013

You Gotta Believe..The Amazing Blue Jays of 2013..Maybe Not?

The Jays have now won 8 in a row, with a lineup that should have been playing 600 ball since the start of the season. So, with 91 games to play, are they a playoff contender? Highly unlikely. Let me explain.
You all know that I love statistics. (Remember I predicted the last provincial election, only missing 2 ridings, better than any news pundit did, by simply using previous history and current trend percentages, see blog posting October 4, 2011). So, let's look at the most number of losses that a team has had over the past 10 years, and still made the playoffs. Here are the stats....

As you can see, in the American League, over the past 10 years, the average number of losses allowed to still make the playoffs is 67. And, it's even tougher in the AL East with an average of 65.5. So, let's give the Blue Jays the benefit of a bad year overall and let's see what it takes for them to make the playoffs with 65,66, or 67, but also, with 68,69,70 or 71 losses.

Is anyone depressed yet? The best team in the majors right now is the St. Louis Cardinals with a winning percentage of 0.644. However, the next best team is the Boston Red Sox with 0.587.
So, if the Blue Jays play as well as the Boston Red Sox, they don't make the playoffs, and, if they play the rest of the season as well as the Cardinals are playing now, they will still finish with either 68 or 69 losses which has barely been enough to make the playoffs in the AL East.

What the Blue Jays need to do is play the way the Amazing Mets of 1969 played. That team began the season with an 18-23 record through their first 41 games, but, went on to win 82 of their remaining games for a win/loss percentage of 0.678.

Possible, yes, probable, NO.

But then again, maybe this is next year!

Friday, June 7, 2013

Breaking News: Exclusive Inside Look at Homeland Security Verizon Information Analysis Team Hard At Work

Trust it to my crack team of investigative snoopers to bring you, my readers, the first look at the agents of the Homeland Security Group who are busy checking up on us. Regretfully, or should I say embarrassingly most of the information they found concerned Big Brother checking into my life.
Nevertheless, here it is for your reading and viewing pleasure:

The Actual Offices of the Homeland Security Verizon Monitoring Group

As you can see, not the best of accommodations 

That is perhaps why they are getting this reaction when they ask government employees to transfer to this division.

 Now, here are the first ever exclusive photos of the Verizon Analysis Group hard at work:

Here they are reviewing my phone calls
And reading my emails

On the bright side, here is someone checking out my itunes library

And, here's an agent reviewing my bank account after two weddings in 19 months
I feel the same way

Will this invasion of my privacy never end, here's an agent reading my ebooks
Definitely he chose the right environment to read my ebooks, that's where I read them.

Now, here they are looking at my surfing history and noticing that I move from Federal scandals to Provincial scandals to Local political scandals

And they even had a camera at my Tuesday night dance class and watched me repeating intermediate dance for the 7th year in a row

But, the most upsetting part of my findings were the photos of the agent who, after beginning to read my blog, threatened to end it all if he didn't get a transfer.
 Is it my fault that I'm not funnier?